P. H. Cordner

Archive for May, 2009|Monthly archive page

True Grime Street Cleaning!

In Nonsense on May 27, 2009 at 18:06

The previous post, about me using cash only, basical.. er, long story short, said that using cash is cool because it’s a throwback and debit cards rob Greek shopkeeps. While this is one point, I think I have a better reason. Wads of cash are cool because criminals use cash.

Now we’re all aware of the old sawbones who tells you that “Crime doesn’t pay. It leads to lung cancer and terminal gunshot wounds to the spine.” Well that guy clearly doesn’t know about how criminals can steal stuff, then fence it, and then get fat stacks of cash. Why just the other day I “fenced” a textbook at the University Crook Store! I also have with me an audio record of the ‘Gangsta’ lifestyle, NWA’s Straight Outta Compton. If Eazy-E is to be believed, drug dealing is very lucrative! If only I knew where to get some ludes i’d be slangin’ them like no other, collecting bank rolls!

Just on the DL, two super cool dudes, let’s call the Shmauvon and Jron, went to a bar, let’s call it Frakes, and strolled down free rocksglass lane. That paid! Oh yeah. And we almost stole a sweet camera from a liquidating electronics store, but didn’t.

We here in America love our criminals. Scarface posters are standard issue in every Purdue Residence Hall. College kids want to pack heat to class, ostensibly to protect them from some outcast, but really, they want to rob people and steal, and form cool college gangs! Whoever’s got a popped collar gets popped! Wearing Crocs? Blammo! Talking at lenght about anything that isn’t sports? Chk-chk BOOYA! Let’s face it. Crime is cool.

We only take cash. Or the Player’s Club.

In Nonsense on May 27, 2009 at 01:57

So for the entire month of May, I think, I’ve been paying for things with cash only. The inspiration for this was when my dad found $1,200 cash on the street in Lincoln Park. He put an ad on Craigslist about it, nobody called, save for me in a silly British accent. He affectionately called the windfall his “wad,” and subsequently blew it on a new TV for the master bedroom and other stuff. However, he gave the last hundred or so to my mom, to give her a starting base for a wad. She used this cash whenever possible, never used the card, and ended up spending way less money. So she got on the horn and said that my brother and I should forget about cards, and use cash only. She gave us each a $50 that we are not to spend, only in an emergency, to carry around at all times.

If you haven’t been in a college town, everyone there uses a debit card, most likely a Chase Check Card. The kids will put every expense on it, because it’s easier, no fiddling with coins, and you feel less vulnerable to muggings, etc. I quickly realized the silliness of charging things that cost like 2.45 on the card when I talked to Angelo, and got the score on Visa’s costs to the local businessman. He upped the limit for a charge transaction to 7.00, and I think he should go all the way to 10. Sure, someone like Chipotle or something doesn’t mind the extra charge, but it’s nice to know that when I pay cash, all the money’s going to the guy I exchanged goods or services for (and if they’re particularly shady, the taxman won’t get a slice either! Zing!)

Plus, carrying around a wad feels cool. Paying things for cash is pretty sweet. You look like some high roller when you pay for like a $50 bar tab in cash. I’m of course, not a high roller, I felt a $60 profit in the casino was like winning the lottery, and the cash in my pocket is the majority of my check. I don’t even know where exactly my debit/atm card is. It’s somewhere in my apartment, I know, but hey, who cares? I’ve memorized my account number so I can fill out the slips at the bank and deposit or withdraw anything I need, as long as it’s during business hours. Waiting at the teller window and getting money from a human being is a throwback, for sure, like smoking an unfiltered Lucky Strike and buying a war bond. When it’s in a building partially designed by Sullivan, all the better!

Paying for cash during a group restaurant outing is much easier than having to write instructions on a receipt, which often happens when large parties of college kids dine at real restaurants, and have to charge their shares on an unsplit ticket. Now you may say: “The problem actually rests on the restaurant, who gives a table of 10 college kids one check! Come on, it’s the 21st Century! Everyone pays with credit chits now!” Sorry, I don’t buy it. Little strips of linen with statesmen on them still beat out some magnetized plastic for me. It’s the cachet. I mean really, who is cooler, Bogart or Christian Bale? I’m a 20th Century Boy!

…. 20th Century Boy… I wanna be your toy …