P. H. Cordner

haricots verts

In Nonsense on September 22, 2009 at 22:54

Those of you who interact with me no doubt have noticed the fact that I have quite a mane of long, luxurious hippie hair. I like this because it’s economical, mildly iconoclastic, and generally goes with the James May vibe I cultivate with regards to fashion. Long hair is a throwback, to the days before credit cards, the days of student radicals, the days of sweet, lightweight Datsun Z cars. John Lennon. Double-breasted wool overcoats.

However, I’m in a bind here. If I don’t get an actual haircut pretty soon, it’s going to get into weirdo length. Right now it’s just barely getting thebottom of my neck, but once the shoulders are passed, well, I better march my loyal army all the way to Rome, er, my ass. I don’t want this to happen, as that’s almost as bad as what would happen if I tried to grow a beard. I fear I might have to learn how to play speed metal, and learn how to fix double bass pedals and motors from Ford Aerostars that the band I roadie for travels around in. However, I haven’t let my hair get this long out of apathy towards haircuts.

In fact, I quite like going to get a haircut. Haircuts are the cheapest way to get very crucial, handmade craftsman style work done in the fashion world. Just try to go to a tailor’s and price out a bespoke, hand-made suit. I guarantee you don’t work enough hours at Noodles for that one. Search your local historic downtown district for handmade craftsman furniture. Pretty pricey, no? But for a mere 20 bucks, I can go to a boutique with mid-century style couches, tables stocked with Elle and Vanity Fair, and funky, cool decor. The design of some salons alone can be worth the trip, not to mention sometimes Vanity Fair photo spreads have boobs in them. I am then taken to a sink where a very attractive woman will wash my hair for me, then fulfill my every whim in the crafting of a crucial do. Don’t want the bangs cut? Fine, I won’t cut the bangs! Want me to use a straight razor instead of shears? OK, will do! Keep it this length in the back, texture the sides? You get the idea. Customized, bespoke service. In fact, it’s rather impossible to get “off the rack” hairdos, the best you can attempt is to get one of those hair magazines and ask for a style in there, but it still requires some work on the stylist’s part to adapt this trendy style to your dour, dowdy skull. If you know what you want, and your stylist can suggest a cut that goes with your face and hair easily, you’re looking mighty crucial after the cut is done.

And of course, the walk back from the salon is pretty sweet. You swear that all the babes are checking you out and your bespoke mane. They may or may not be, that’s not important, the important part is that you’re walking tall and all confident, so you can pick up babes easier.

The thing is, you can go cheap and go to Bo-Ric’s or SuperCuts or whatever, but, honestly, I’ve never done so. When the differential between a cool, independent place and a janky strip-mall national chain is 10 bucks, I’ve never really had the reason to. In fact, I can count the places I’ve been for a haircut on both hands. When high-style cuts are right there at your fingertips, why go all Walgreen’s cologne with it?

You know what, maybe I’ll go and learn how to cut my own hair.

  1. Yeah right. After a haircut, everyone walks down the street dying for a shower as the thousands of prickly hair bits jab their necks inside their collars and cover their ears in embarassing hyphens.

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